There Must Be Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover
by clagjanet
Summary: When last seen, Jonathan Stone was headed off on vacation with a highly trained agent who may or may not have had a grudge... Co-written with Khell. Complete for now, unless we think up some more ways.
1. No Need to be Coy, Roy

**_A/N: _**_A few years ago, Khell and I were chatting about how mysterious it is that Francine's fiance Jonathan is never seen again even though they supposedly went off on vacation together to try and work things out. Well, one thing led to another and we started throwing out ideas about how Beaman would be dying to know what happened and Francine would enjoy torturing him by not telling him. We joked that we should call it 101 Ways to Kill Jonathan Stone, but we never got past these two stories which I just found again during a computer clean up. Khell wrote the first one and I wrote the second. I have marked it as complete, but who knows, maybe someday we'll think up another joke for it._

* * *

There was mist on the lake – a thin veil that, for some reason, made Effrom think of brides and weddings. Maybe because Francine was sitting next to him in the car's passenger seat. Now that she and Jonathan Stone had reconnected and reconciled it was only a question of time until they finally did tie the knot. He glanced at her.

She was watching the lake, too, with a dreamy look on her face.

"Just like that hot spring in Yellowstone Park", she said.

"That's where you went on vacation with Jonathan?" Effrom asked.

She nodded without looking at him.

"So – how's he doing?"

Not that he would have cared one way or another. As far as he was concerned, Jonathan Stone could just get lost again, and this time for good. He was just asking to be polite. Well, maybe he was a little curious, too. Francine hadn't mentioned Stone even once since she had returned from that vacation.

"Oh, he's fine."

Francine's smile grew bigger and a lot less dreamy. In fact, it took on a slightly creepy quality. It had to be a trick of the moonlight.

She glanced at Effrom. "Don't worry. They'll never find the body. And even if they do – they can't prove anything."

* * *

She had only been joking, Effrom told himself. She was messing with him. She liked to do that, right? There was no way she would have – No. Impossible. Never.  
But why had no one seen Jonathan Stone ever since Francine's return?

_Oh, stop it, it's not like she's under surveillance 24/7. She's probably meeting him outside work all the time. Just because no one's seeing him that doesn't mean he isn't still around, right?_

Yet – hadn't he read something only recently about how the water in some of those Yellowstone hot springs was acidic enough to dissolve most of what dropped into it? Like – organic matter? Leaves, insects, small animals …

Humans …

_Stop it. Just stop it. You don't want to go there._

Try as he might, Effrom couldn't entirely stop that specific train of thought and he caught himself watching Francine. The way she smiled. The way her smile seemed to change ever so subtly whenever her gaze met his. She _was_ a trained professional, after all. Surely she knew how to – well, disappear someone. They taught you that kind of stuff when they sent you out in the field, didn't they?

After a week he knew he couldn't just let it rest. If he didn't ask this would haunt him for – well, at least for the rest of his career at the Agency. So he gathered all his courage, walked up to Francine and -  
"Uh, Francine?"

She turned to him. "Yes?"

"This might sound stupid but –" Effrom shifted on his feet and clasped his hands on his back. "When you – well, implied you pushed Jonathan into one of those hot springs –"

He didn't continue but just looked at her. She seemed dumbfounded for a moment. Then she laughed.

"Oh, heavens, I was joking, Effrom!"

He sighed with relief.

"I mean", she went on, "Yellowstone Park? Me and hiking? Seriously? No, Jonathan and I went to Hawaii. Well, Kaua'i, to be exact. Just the two of us and beautiful scenery all around us." Her voice took on a dreamy quality.

"That's – nice. I guess."

Effrom shifted on his feet some more. He really didn't care to hear about how great Francine's vacation with Jonathan had been.

"Oh yes! Kipu Falls. I'll never forget them. That loose rock – didn't take much to tip him over the edge. He went right under. Didn't even have time to scream."  
Francine flashed him a smile and left him standing there with his mouth hanging open.


	2. Find a New Plan, Stan

"Are you a secret fish fancier, Beaman?"

Effrom almost jumped out of his skin – as usual – not having heard Francine's stealthy approach.

"I was, uh, just thinking about piranhas and their reputation," he gulped, pointing at the exhibit.

The two of them were standing in the Amazon exhibit at the National Zoo waiting for the next wave of rookie agents who were supposed to be practicing doing public drops. Francine was acting as the contact while Effrom was hiding in various dark corners of the aquarium exhibit, marking them on their efforts. He was just about despairing at any of them ever learning to do it properly; every one of them so far had been clumsy and obvious.

"Their reputation as crazed killers?" Francine's interest had obviously been piqued as well as she leaned forward to stare into the tank.

Effrom stared at her profile for a moment, dumbstruck as always by how beautiful she was, before managing to stammer out, "The label says it's a myth that they can skeletonize a human in a few minutes."

"Oh yes, it's absolutely a myth, especially for a well fed school like these ones. Attacks in the wild really only happen during seasons where food is scarce and even then, most attacks on humans aren't fatal if you can get back out of the water fast enough."

Effrom looked at her nonplussed. "You seem to know a lot about them."

Francine glanced up at him, her eyes lighting up with laughter. "Oh yes – a little ichthyology is useful when it comes to ways to kill people." She tilted her head and gave a small grin before gesturing towards the tank. "Now these guys would be useless as a murder weapon. Too few of them and too well fed to strip a body down before morning, and of course, the real problem is that they'd leave the skeleton as evidence. Once upon a time that wouldn't have mattered much, but the British have started using DNA profiling in some of their murder cases so that would make it too easy to identify the victim."

"Really?" Effrom knew all that, of course, but it was rare that Francine opened up on any topic with such enthusiasm around him so he lunged at any opportunity to keep her talking.

"Mm-hmm. Now if you really wanted to dispose of a body here at the Zoo, the Komodo dragons would be a much better bet. Their appetite is almost insatiable and they incapacitate their victims with venom which will kill them eventually no matter what. But if they kill on the first attempt, they'll eat 80% of any prey in one sitting. So toss a body in with a couple of them and there'd be nothing left by morning, not even enough for a DNA test. It's an almost flawless method."

"Almost flawless?"

"Oh yes – you should never count on using an animal to do your dirty work for you," she answered solemnly. "It's always better to use something inanimate where you can be certain." She paused and looked at him, blue eyes wide with innocence. "The sewers in Paris, for instance. When Jonathan and I toured them on that last trip we took, the guides were telling us all about how often they find unidentifiable bodies down there. People who fall in find it too slippery to climb back out without help and of course, the sewage destroys all the evidence, you see."

Effrom's eyes narrowed and he looked at her suspiciously. "Paris? I thought you said you and Stone went to Hawaii?"

Francine's lips twitched slightly. "Did I? Maybe it wasn't our _last_ trip then." She turned to stare at the dimly lit fish tank again before looking back at Effrom. "Now, lava flows – those are a fantastic way to dispose of a body…"


End file.
